The Handbook for the Sellout
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the "masayuki_seta" journal:[<< Previous 20 entries]
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05:35 pm
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I hope this wasn't the wrong thing to do..
As of October 29, 2005, I have terminated my employment at Halcyon Days in the pursuit of higher goals.
Current Mood:  hopeful
Current Music: Ben Folds Five - Smoke
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05:16 am
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A message to you, Rudy.
A small child wants to bring joy to his mother's life. He happily runs outside and all day strives to pick his mother the most beautiful bouquet he could possibly find. At the end of a long day he runs home to her, dirty and tired, but still filled with the same happiness as before, because he knows he put his very soul into what he's done to brighten her day. He presents his mother with her bouquet.
Seeing that her child has picked nothing more than dandelions, she tosses the bouquet away never giving it another thought. The boy lives for the rest of his life knowing that his bouquet, his very soul, is nothing more than a handful of weeds in the eyes of the one he loves the most.
Was my bouquet not good enough in your eyes?..
Current Mood:  lonely
Current Music: the morning birds singing while the sun rises
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06:21 am
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With the lid off.
Well, it's most certainly been a while.
This may end up being a longer post than I intended, so therefor I'm going to split it into certain topics.
By the way, I'm going to be as direct as I possibly can to the people that this post involves.
Work - For starters, I really do hate working. But this is old news. I've recently gotten a job at the new Italian Grille as a server, and a job as a night auditor of the Ramada Inn (thanks, Rayna). Halcyon Days is still there, but as time passes the job becomes less enjoyable, and my wages are something not to be exactly desired. I'm putting in my week's notice and a letter of resignation later today, if all goes to plan. I've made some good friends through working there, but it's time that I moved on from that job.
Life, in general- My summer hasn't exactly been what I wanted it to be. It's consisted of video games, getting my ass kicked in video games by Haley, goofing off and being a dork with Haley, working insane job hours,a huge chunk of my life being given to playing FFXI(I must drive Haley insane with it), and hanging out with those that are closest to me. Druw, Justin, Josh, Haley, and Micheal on random days- thanks for times I'll never forget. I wouldn't trade it for anything.
"EMO kids"- Honestly, I don't really care what you do. I don't listen to it anymore, but I personally own a considerable amount of "EMO music". It's not the fact that you're EMO, it's the fact that the way you all act that makes you look fucking retarded. I get along with anyone when they're not stupid. Take that to mind.
As of a few days ago, Druw's gone. It's not so much as that I miss people. It's more of that I only have a very small amount of people close to me that I care about. Not having one of those people around has recently left me with a empty feeling, something that I don't quite know how to overlook.
Druw - Good luck. You've been a great friend. (better go to SKA WEEKEND with us next year!)
On the topic of overlooking things, it had never fully come to mind just exactly how much Rayna has changed. It's none of my business, but in a way it's slightly upsetting to see someone in a whole other light than before. Lindsey I would include with this, but in a way I've never looked to her as someone who I held in a good light beforehand, so the shock of change isn't exactly..there at all, beyond the overall knowledge that people are changing and falling apart.
Brandi- I know what you did. You proved to me that I should never be caring for people I don't know. By the way, if you can't tell where I'm going with this post:
You're a bitch, and I hope what you've done bites you in the end. I'll be there to laugh.
Ryan/his girlfriend (I never remember how to spell it, my apologies)- I've given my sincere apology for anything I've been involved with that may have upset with you. It's not that I haven't extended a hand to fix the overall situation, so from now on whatever happens, you can't say that no one was there for you. Ryan, I'm sorry our friendship had to have ended in such a manner. I'll remember what good times we had together, and maybe one day this can be mutually overlooked.
Sci-Fi club members/fencing n00bs- No. I don't like you. Your fanart and fanfictions suck. Stop showing them to me at school. I'm not going to be nice to you, because if you're a so called "anime artist", it's my goal to absolutely crush you and be the top. Same thing goes if you fence. Don't bother even trying, please.
Cassie- I hope you come back to TN. Silly panda.
Liddu- You faded out. Stop disappearing.
Sarah- Silly girl, asians aren't supposed to live in Nebraska!
Everyone I used to work with in art requests- OMFG! HI!
The collective of guys from church that I know- Sorry I haven't been very involved lately.
Josh M.- Get on FFXI with your gf.
Austin- Good luck with..er..whatever it is that you're doing now.
The guys from Scouts- I'll be smakin' a bitch if not all of us reach Eagle.
Aaron- Haven't seen you in a long time now. Sad. I miss the late nights of Turok and Snowboard Kids 2.
Blake- I hope everything's going good with the Playhouse. We haven't had a all-nighter in a good while..
Johann- Killzone's better than Halo.
Patrick- Good luck with the soccer stuff
David Roney- Pfft. Canadian.
Riley- Get to work on reaching Eagle!
Justin/Whitney- You two disappeared.. Good luck with each other. That's something that doesn't happen every day.
Jed- You need to come back. I haven't played D&D in forever.
Ben/Micheal T./Kevin/Elrod - w00t. SKA!
Micheal T.- I'm sorry about what happened with Renee. My hopes for the best in the end.
Elton/Juvi/Micheal- Good times. Good times.
Elton- Thanks for being the father figure that I've learned to look up to.
Juvi- Best advice giver ever. Thanks for listening to me bitch all the time.
Micheal- Your attire and quirky foreign cars are memorable. Here's to more days hanging out with the crew.
Patrick- You still are, and will be, my best friend (though you're impossible to get ahold of during the summer). Thanks for sharing my schemes and ideas. You're an excellent writer, who deserves a better artist. (I swear, those comics will be put up some day..)
Josh- Always there to plot and carry out random gags. You've been the only one who's taken cons seriously. Thanks for always being willing to go. Some of my best memories are with SEELE. Here's to many more years of terrorizing other cosplayers and stalking Monica and Greg.
This part of the post is probably the only thing that would be of interest to anyone who bothers to still check my journal..
Yes. I am involved with Haley. By the way, I don't give a fuck what you think I should or shouldn't be doing. It's come to my attention that every relationship I've had I've been hurt in the end. At the same time, I've been hurt by every time I had a chance and didn't take it for the sake of someone I know.
This time around I'm doing what makes me happy for once. Lukas: this is something that you have to understand. If you don't, then I hope one day you will. If you do, then I hope to continue a running friendship.
It's taken a considerable amount of time to finally decide to openly confess what I feel, and to stand for what I'm doing. For those of you that think I "stole" Haley away from anyone, please go sodomize yourself with an iron rod. I didn't force anything on anyone and you should accept the fact that people will feel differently and hearts change.
Haley is someone I never really thought of as a "more than friend". For the time I've known her, it's been mostly spent plotting how to become a better artist than her, or dwelling on the question of whether or not she hated me.
The opportunity came about, and an interest was shown unexpectedly. I was wary at first, because I didn't know what exactly was wanted. But I ran with it, and I'm thrilled to find what was behind the first hint. I'm not exactly a good person..and my past is one that I'm ashamed of. I'm known for being a pervert, along with a few other things.
Over the course of the past few months, I've gone through many mental changes. Not that I can, but I'm trying to overcome what I've made myself into and possibly make up for what I was. It's been hard, and not really anyone who knows this is willing to accept that I can change.
To stop any idea before it begins, I do not want to be with Haley for the chance of sex/physical pleasures. For once, I want to make someone happy without being abused in return.
She isn't my "dream girl" by any means. You know, those people you make up daydreaming that you think would be perfect in every way.
And you know what? I've never been more attracted to anyone. Physically and mentally, she's someone I never though I'd meet. And the more I find out about her, the more I fall for her. Every time I look at her, my heart jumps, and I become flustered. It's something I never thought I'd feel again. This time around, though..it's a lot more.
Due to my past, it's been incredibly hard to earn an ounce of her trust..but I've not stopped trying my best. Certain people, though, have made it an almost impossible task, and it hurts to know that such an effort would be put out to keep me for once trying to be happy with someone.
I remember when I wasn't with her, and that every time I'd learn of something that someone would do to her, a slight pain would make itself known in my conscious. Someone like her doesn't deserve the shit she's gone through, and I want to be the one that ends the line of deception and backstabbing.
For some reason though..I find it impossible to convey this to her. I must seem like a mentally retarded child when I make a verbal attempt at this, and I've no idea how else I could possibly express the feelings I harbor for her.
It's like when something is so deeply embedded in your mind that you want to fall to the ground and tear at your clothes and scream to God...and you do nothing at all.
I find that I say the wrong things at the wrong time to her, and without meaning to, come across as someone just trying to get into her pants. I've made a full-hearted attempt of stopping this, but for some reason I end up dropping the ball once again. It's been discussed at length with her since then, though, so I believe that it will begin to get a lot better.
That is, if I receive the chance. The circumstances I won't speak of, but if she accepts the offer, I don't exactly know what I will do. It's something I never expected, and the offer even being put into consideration really hurt, even if she didn't mean it the way it was worded.
Haley- I don't know what will happen. I never thought I'd say this to another, but after over a month of considering the consequences, I've decided the chance is worth taking. I'm giving you my heart, and my trust entirely. It's yours to do whatever you wish with it. We've both had things done to us that hurt, and I just hope that we can learn from it to know not what to do to each other..and that we can trust that we wouldn't attempt it ourselves. I can't tell you how exactly I feel, but I pray that you can see through me and understand what I want you to know. I just hope I don't get hurt in the process. Here's to us. Let's move forward together and never look back.
With everything you have, move forward!
Current Mood:  determined
Current Music: PAIN - One-Legged Girl
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10:59 pm
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Regis likes CANDY!
BWAHAHA!
Here's a GRAND idea!:
Stop fucking playing with my heart and tell me the truth before I kill myself over you.
By George, it's genius!
Current Mood:  moody
Current Music: Franz Ferdinand - Burn This City
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09:07 pm
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The Way You Are Exactly
Honestly, I'm growing tired of this..
Last night my chest screwed up again, but for the first time it's frightened me. I was laying on my back when it happened, and the pain was so much that I couldn't roll over to try to breath. I felt as if though I was going to choke it lasted so long, and I kept feeling something, which I hope isn't blood again, gargle up in my throat. Coincidence, but every time it's happened lately I've been thinking of Britt. Sometimes I think that she's just not good for my health.
Over the last week, I had begun to think that I was getting used to the fact that I'll never be with Britt again. Apparently I was lying to myself, or something hit home while talking to her. I've always told her I wanted what made her happy. And I do. I would give my life if it meant her happiness.
But..does it make me selfish that I want to be the reason for her happiness?
I know she didn't mean it, but my hopes were so high when she told me she loved me for the first time since we broke up. I wanted to be able to act on it so badly. I waited too long. I'm still kicking myself for it, I was too much of a coward to even try to see if she meant something more than just idle conversation.
I hate admitting that I get so jealous of the boys who get to be with her. And I hate the ones who mess with her - they don't know what they're carelessly tossing aside. I hate seeing her upset when a boy she falls for breaks her heart. She doesn't deserve it.
I suppose I should just suck it up and move on. Or at least get more comfortable to the idea of being single for the rest of my life. I'm sure everyone who reads this is especially tired of the fact that I haven't even tried doing anything for myself.
I need a hobby. I'm a horrible hopeless romantic.
Current Mood:  pensive
Current Music: Jason Wade - You Belong To Me
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06:17 am
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on the neverending road to Japan
There's a lot I could post about. A lot. But as time progresses it seems to become less and less prudent to be putting it in my LJ.
Today's the big Dance Dance Revolution tournament thing. I hope I don't end up making a fool of myself. I think I did something to my leg last night while playing a song. Hopefully I didn't so something to screw it up.
I'm starting to begin to see the emotion of "love" in a different form It's become clear that it's nothing more than an illusion, a vagary of perception, temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify a existence that is without meaning or purpose.
And you know what?
I'm in love with Britt.
Completely and absolutely, and there's nothing I can even do about it.
Of course, only the human mind could create something so insipid as love.
Current Mood: in love
Current Music: The Aquabats - Cat With 2 Heads
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10:12 pm
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Xtreme to the MAX
Took one of those stupid internet quiz things when a friend sent it to me. the Results:
"Damian, you're single because you don't want to get hurt
Ever heard the expression, "Once bitten, twice shy?" You can probably relate to this, can't you? Your last relationship may have left you a little raw in emotions, and the memories are likely still fresh in your mind. Fresher than you can sometimes believe. With a hurt like that, you're probably not so eager to enter the drama again — and we can't say that we blame you. You may be so afraid of getting hurt that you take things to heart big-time when you're involved with someone — after all, you've been hurt before, why can't it happen again? You also may be guilty of comparing potential mates to your ex who may still constantly loom large in your mind."
Well, no shit.
Internet quizzes can shove it.
MechWolf Studios has a new layout and a bunch of crap for everyone to view. Peep these coding skills, yo.
http://mechwolf.dynamohosting.net
Current Mood:  discontent
Current Music: bassdrive internet radio - 24/7 rave music
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06:10 am
[Link] | It seems that since I revealed myself to her, that even more so I think of her. I think about her during every waking hour. I haven't had a night this past week that I haven't dreamed of her. I hate it. As if it wasn't enough beforehand that I turned into some lovesick twit.
*grumble* This coffee's not strong enough. It's my 3rd cup and I still haven't woken up.
I think I've decided on 3 options for my student film in digital imaging and design - a spoof of one of the following:
Napoleon Dynamite
Star Wars
The Matrix
It all depends on what Mr. Sanderson will allow in the video as to what I pick.
Time for school..
Current Mood:  awake
Current Music: Jamiroquai - Canned Heat
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04:52 pm
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<3 is the worst smiley thingy ever
After reviewing my state of mind during the period of the past few months, I've come to a conclusion that if "love" causes what haunts me daily, that I no longer have any desire to experience such a horrid feeling. It's never going to happen again. What I lost, I lost forever.
So here's to you, my Immortal Beloved. May one day I find comfort in your absence from my life. </3.
Current Mood: lonely
Current Music: Ludwig van Beethoven - Moonlight Sonata
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06:30 am
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the morning after
I'm such a fool.
I can't believe I let her know. I don't know what I've done now. I completely broke down and told her everything. I sat up on my roof after calling her until 3 in the morning..it all seems like a bad dream or something. Speaking of which - I had the same nightmare last night. I don't know how many times it's been now. The dream where she leaves me. Of course, I wake up and find that the dream is real, so I don't know why it hurts so much to live it over again in my mind.
Time for school. Bleh. It's raining..
Current Mood: pensive
Current Music: none..getting ready for school
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07:23 pm
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let's program it in True BASIC~
Well, you know..fuck.
And after all of it, I swore that I'd never be able to fall for such a simple ploy, let alone lead myself into it. Apparently my range of stupidity extends to bounds of which I hadn't realized, and now I'm once again tasting my foot for it. No, I shouldn’t be surprised. I shouldn't even allow myself the freedom of expressing what thoughts cycle through my mind.
To each their own problems and sorrows though. It's my own fault to begin with; I'm the twit who let me believe such a thing could by some miniscule chance still exist. It didn't. The very concept was just an illusion created by my mind to dull what pains still linger in my consciousness. I even *knew* that it was, but even then I didn't attempt to stop myself from the inevitable hurt that I'd put myself through. I feel like I've become machostic, in the belief that one day maybe I won’t be some fuck-twit and end up actually happy again. Why the hell do I do this to myself? I'm a damn teenager; I should be dreaming right now of my first date and a goodnight kiss on the cheek - not driving myself mad chasing dead dreams.
But yet once again I join the ranks of the hopeless, angst-ridden youth of our times; sitting in my room listening to emo music while sodomizing my mind in the realm of video games to glaze over what feelings I have in my heart. Right now, some sick, twisted higher deity being has to be taking pleasure in the whole situation. So up yours, Pelor.
For those of whom have absolutely no idea what I'm babbling about to myself, don't even bother to ask. You more than likely won't get a very polite answer, if one at all.
Current Mood: irate
Current Music: Cowboy Bebop OST - Spokey Dokey
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03:45 pm
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time for root beer, cheese, and chocolate!
Gifts received:
light box
posable wooden hand
posable female anatomy model
^(thanks big sis)
Nintendo DS w/ Metroid: Hunters demo
PlayStation 2 (turns out it's broken..gotta have it exchanged)
flip top PS2 case and Swap Magic disks
Dance Dance Revolution Extreme (japanese import)
Half-Life 2 (Gordon Freedman cover)
"ANIME FREAK" t-shirt
really cool scarf
ARC'TERYX rock climbing clothes <3
Cowboy Bebop Ein plushie <3
Cowboy Bebop calendar
Neon Genesis Evangelion logo long sleeve shirt ^^
The Beatles retro t-shirt
The Beatles album cover necktie
& bunches of random food in ze stocking. cuz we all know I like food.
Current Mood: happy
Current Music: South Park - Merry F***ing Christmas
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10:29 pm
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oh m gee, i <3 root beer
All I want for Christmas is *you*.
(I'm too lazy to make a real update right now, maybe tommorow.)
Current Mood: melancholy
Current Music: Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody (live)
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08:06 pm
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wang-foo
Well, now would be the time in which I cram my foot in my mouth.
Single again. But now that I think of it, I'll not have to care if I'm leaving anyone behind in July or not. So I suppose there's a bright side to any situation.
Still best friends? Who knows. But I know not to take anything for granted anymore.
The events that occurred over the period of last night have apparently left me upset and rather absent minded. Turns out that I didn't take my meds before fencing; having to go to the restroom in between matches to hack out blood isn't too terribly enjoyable. Or tasty, for that matter.
Still in the job funk. Apparently TCBY doesn't accept someone who will work for anything for as long as they want. Strange that I can't even sell myself out as slave labor. Maybe I should try to get people to pay me not to work - I think I'd have a better chance at it.
Heh, I guess my decision was the wrong one, once again. But as The Beatles said "life goes on".
Lyndsae, I wish you enjoy whomever you end up with, and may you prosper immensely in all that you endeavor. </3
Oh, and hey Britt!~ <3
yeah, I agree, the advice bunny can shove it ._.
Current Mood: rejected
Current Music: Sugar Ray - Under The Sun
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09:08 pm
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what's a dousche?! :D
uhm..girls have cooties.
yeah.
</3
Current Mood: numb
Current Music: Nine Days - Bitter
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10:11 pm
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smith-a-palooza
Had an interview with the International Rotary Club board yesterday. Early July of next year, I'll be leaving for Japan to be an exchange student for 11 months, which means I'll be staying for my senior year of high school in Japan.
Other than that, nothing of importance happened. At least, nothing that I feel like saying.
Well, aside from what happened Friday.
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05:34 pm
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crossroads
So it comes to the point in most peoples (at least, those who tend to be emotionally attached) that they haven't yet to move on, but at the same point have changed from what was then.
Unfortunately, I seem to have found myself in such a crossroad, and the thought that I let myself get in such a situation aggravates me to no end. But I did, and now apparently I must deal with it.
Lyndsae, to an unspeakable extent, has become the light of my life. I can finally be happy about waking up in the morning, because every day I know that there's someone there waiting for me. Someone who feels the same for me, and that I can trust.
At the same time, old feelings die hard, and I find myself thinking of old memories, and I've realized now that I've barely moved on, and those feelings didn't change - I covered them up. Either that, or my heart has finally become so clogged with grease from my infamous lack of a diet that I'm about to die. For some reason, I'm doubting it is the latter.
I suppose now that I must find a way to realize that things in the past never come back, and embrace what is now. I've grown tired of holding such a burden of guilt on my heart.
Hopefully, I've made the correct choice, and my blind faith won't be let down. To Lyndsae, may the best of times for us be yet to come.
-"With everything you have, move forward!"
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: My Chemical Romace - Give 'Em Hell, Kid
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09:50 pm
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hm....blah.
So it's like a final movie climax or something of the sort.
Turns out Malinda was going out with another guy the whole time i was with her.
No, I don't really care. Because there was nothing there. Whatever. O.o
AWA 10 was fun, I'll post a link to Josh's LJ convention report when it's up.
Other than that...no, not really anything. At least nothing that I feel like writing down in particular. Did a few things tonight..I might post about them tommorow.
I think i'm gonna go play me some PSO! LVL 20 ROXORS OMFG.
<3
Current Mood: relaxed
Current Music: random rave tracks
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09:50 pm
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tf?
begin ranting="unknown length?"
last updated..blah. whatever, I don't care if you've missed a huge gap in my life.
So yeah, went out with Malinda. She broke up with me..whatever, right? So I get a call from the wonderful person that is her, asking me to come meet her and her new boyfriend and hang out with them.
wtf?
I still have a LOT of feelings for Britt., and there's the fact that i'm a cruel, apathetic ass who never really treats other well. But still - jesus-tap-dancing-christ, i'm not completely freaking emtionless! wt*F* is her problem, why in the world would I want to see an ex with someone else?
I didn't think she was that mindless, but this makes me wonder about some things.
blah, I really miss Britt >.< I suppose I can't get rid of the feelings at all.
eh, whatever. relationships suck anyways.
Been looking for a new car. Ok, well, more like an old crappy clunker, or just something that i can drive to freaking get rid of my truck.
..I hate that thing.
or really, I absolutely LOATH it.
Not only am I not able to pay for gas on it, but every one of my paychecks has gone to my mother so far from my job to pay for full insurance on the freaking thing.
This bringing up another subject - AWA 10 next weekend.
From my mom taking my frickin' paycheck yet again today, I have no money for the con..not even to purchase a pass to go into the rooms. So even if I do go, I'll be standing around in the main lobby in my Seele pillar costume looking like some freaking old hobo..or sleeping my truck bed (God forbid this even having to be considered).
I just now noticed..i'm using the word "freaking" a lot tonight, and I'm lacking on the use of correct sentence structure and punctuation. so stfu, english teachers.
I think i'm going to sit in my room with my bass (guitar, not the fish, redneck) and mope around like most angst-riddled teens seem to do nowadays.
/end ranting
Current Mood: pissed off
Current Music: Mindless Self Indulgence - Your Problem Now
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12:25 am
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what happened?..
"It's just not good enough anymore; is it?.."
"what isn't?"
"me...."
what do you do..when the only person who can wipe away your tears is the one who made you cry?
Current Mood:  indescribable
Current Music: Breaking Benjamin - So Cold
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